The Monocle Trio: Jay's Journal
4:31 p.m. - I arrived at Little Five Points, which is ground zero in Atlanta for stupidly-dressed people who just want to be seen. It's hard to stand out when the other people around you are wearing chaps, but I feel certain that my monocle is going to win this neighborhood over.
4:32 p.m. - My plan of attack is to ask people for directions to an easily identifiable landmark. What I didn't take into consideration is that Little Five Points is also home to tourists who want to gawk at stupidly-dressed people who just want to be seen. I asked a family for directions to Euclid Avenue, literally half a block away. The tourist family looked at each other, and for a split second, they envisioned how sweet each member of their family would look wearing a monocle. The patriarch responded that he didn't know where Euclid Avenue was, but his eyes said, "Wow. I envy you."
Photos by Aaron Dallas
4:33 p.m. - A beefy biker gang huddled outside of a bar. I asked a beefy biker if he could point me to Euclid Avenue, which is honestly a hundred feet away. He didn't know, so he asked a second beefy biker, who also didn't know. I assumed that bikers knew street names since they, you know, ride to places. Instead, I can conclude that their navigation is based on wind and warm weather, like a flock of birds going where the day takes them, stopping to rest when one of their own has to pee. Anyway, the point is that none of the beefy bikers could provide a correct answer, which was, "Hey guys, let's move the flock to Euclid Avenue so we can be near this guy's rad monocle."
4:36 p.m. - Aaron (photographer) and I took a break from getting in people's faces so that we could girl talk to each other. Just as I was finishing up the story about the time Fred Schneider hit on our friend John at a party, a random pedestrian came up to me and said of my monocle, "Holy shit, that is awesome!" I thanked him, and suddenly felt like Popeye after eating a can of spinach. The pedestrians of Little Five Points are just begging for me to uplift them, and who am I to deny them that pleasure?
4:41 p.m. - I entered a clothing store, where a young woman greeted me and clearly could not resist my fancy charm.
WOMAN: Need help finding anything?
PLUG: No. I think I'm good so far.
WOMAN: How do you get that to stay there?
PLUG: How do I get what? My hair? Some gel.
WOMAN: [laughs] No. The glass.
PLUG: The monocle?
WOMAN: Yeah. The monocle.
PLUG: I [use] regular ol' face technology. It's just your eye and your cheek. That's it.
WOMAN: [laughs] Alright.
PLUG: I felt like I could rock the monocle today.
WOMAN: Yeah. I like it. It's cool.
PLUG: Thanks.
WOMAN: Is it a prescription monocle?
PLUG: No, actually. It's not. It's decorative.
WOMAN: But that's what it's supposed to be?
PLUG: In theory.
WOMAN: I think that's my monocle review for today. I've never seen anybody wear one. That's cool.
PLUG: Did they wear them to the opera? Or am I thinking of something else?
WOMAN: Yeah. It seems right. You tell me.
PLUG: I don't know! I'm trying to start a trend, but that's all I've got.
4:45 p.m. - I don't even have to try anymore. People are lining up to talk to the man with the only monocle on the block.
MAN: What's your name?
PLUG: Jay.
MAN: Jay?
PLUG: Yeah.
MAN: I'm Ed. You've got a little thing there that's, like, British. You know what I mean?
PLUG: I am British for the day. Yeah.
MAN: I understand. So you put it on and it's like Batman. You know what I mean? You turn from Bruce Wayne to British Man.
PLUG: [laughs] Batman to British Man. That's awesome.
MAN: So you guys go to church?
What came next was a ten minute religious sales pitch. Sure, I could have walked away at any time, but the man was clearly enjoying himself. Not because I was listening (I wasn't), but because of one little lens inside of a plastic ring. The monocle preached about the power of accessorizing, and like all great disciples, the man could not stop smiling.
4:54 p.m. - A guy stared at my monocle like I had a boob on my face. I wish that I could hear what he said to his friend once I was out of earshot. Why can't I be omnipotent?! I think that would be the key to making me feel like Popeye after eating five cans of spinach. That's right. Our addiction has built up a tolerance and now we need five cans to feel the same euphoria.
5:00 p.m. - My time is up. That was fun. The monocle's not a bad little accessory. I understand that prescription monocles serve a purpose, but I had no idea that planting one on my face would turn me into the most attractive, interesting, and egotistical man on the planet. -- Did it leave a mark?
