Pre-Consumption: I am doing something rather ballsy and eating a Mystery Can with breakfast. It's weird logic, but I'm on site for work today (can't risk a Mystery Can during lunch), and Friday night is mine and Patti's out-to-eat ritual, so breakfast it is. My breakfast this morning is down-to-earth cereal known as Oatmeal Crisp: Hearty Raisin.

Opening Ceremony: I picked this can because it sounded like liquid when I shook it. I'm not a big breakfast eater, so my fingers are crossed that I'll get to drain a lot of that liquid. And the content is... gravy. I stuck my finger all the way in the can looking for a solid, but there was none. I'm going to eat gravy for breakfast. That is absolutely brilliant.

Post-Consumption: Without the label, I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm consuming a thousand percent of my daily sodium, but I don't care. This mushroom gravy is delicious. Eating it for breakfast with cereal is one of the most surreal things that I've done in a long time. I feel like I'm drinking gelatin for breakfast. After eating the whole can of gravy, I have a metallic taste in my mouth. Did I just consume 2000% of my daily allowance of iron?

Epilogue: Let me tell you something about that gravy. I've been fantasizing about it since I finished the bowl eight hours ago.

Pre-Consumption: My day has been off-cycle. I woke up at 5:15 a.m. to attend a race and haven't had an opportunity to eat the day's Mystery Can until 4:00 p.m. I have plans to go out for dinner tonight, so the Mystery Can must be consumed as a snack with some crackers. I picked the smallest can for that reason.

Opening Ceremony: My snack is, ooh, tangerine bits. Tracie has been much too kind.

Post-Consumption: The first piece that I ate tasted rancid, but everything after that was very palatable. They're not as sweet as most tangerines, but they are so easy to put down.

Epilogue: Patti later told me the contents were Mandarin oranges, like the kind you put in salads. I grew up in Florida, but I don't know citrus.