Pre-Consumption: Remember how I had to go to a bachelorette party yesterday? I came home at 4:00 am last night, and I woke up this morning huuuuuuuuuuuuuuung over. After a futile attempt at going out for brunch, I came home and decided to eat today's can as a hangover snack. Because I'm just full of terrible ideas today.

Opening Ceremony: I chose the other small can, and you know what might be the worst smell ever when you're hung over? Canned oysters. Why can't they can Doritos? Or french fries?

Post-Consumption: I love how this game works out sometimes. I've been giving my parents daily recaps of Mystery Can (they put me on speaker phone, isn't that cute?), and my mom's advice for me was, "When in doubt, everything tastes better if you add salt and fry it in butter." So I listened to my wise, wise mother, breaded the damn things and fried them in butter and then doused them with barbecue sauce. And you know what? They weren't that bad. I think this might be my second favorite can so far [after Mangosteen in Light Syrup - Ed.], hangover and all.

Opening Ceremony: Holy fucking shit. I was going to take the contents of a Mystery Can with me for lunch today, but as I opened it to transfer it to a Tupperwear container, it was full of little penises with tentacles! Baby squids in ink. The ink makes them flesh colored. The smell alone made me and my boyfriend gag, and I knew there was no way I could take this can to work and make my entire office smell like stanky whore crotch. So I put them in the fridge to see what I could do with them later. I'm going to count this as a victory if I can eat just one of them.

Pre-Consumption: I purposely didn't eat much for lunch hoping I could drum up enough of an appetite to try one of the penises with tentacles. I got home from work, took one look, and was overcome with queasiness. I went for a jog to try to make myself hungry. Didn't work. So I went with Plan B: go have a few drinks at a bar and come home at 11:00 pm hoping to have dulled my senses enough to eat a squid.

Post-Consumption: I cut open one of the body pieces, and there was all sorts of stuff hidden in there. I think that squid was pregnant or some shit. I took a full bite of the tentacle end, and chewed, and chewed, and chewed. And then I chewed some more. I was breathing out of my mouth and trying not to taste anything, so it wasn't too bad. Then I took a second bite and that's when the dry heaving began. My boyfriend yelled at me as I hovered over the toilet, "If you want to go puke and cry, join the Marines. Mystery Can is not for the weak!"